One of the most valuable relationship maxims I have ever come across is the following:
She is not your everything — and if she is, she will soon not be anymore.
This is aimed specifically at men in relationships with women, though anyone can benefit by acquiring this perspective on relationships.
All too often, various social and cultural forces tell men to prioritize the women in their lives above their mission, their passions, their interests, even their own psychological or spiritual health. This has lead to an epidemic in modern society of directionless, unpassionate, and unhappy men struggling to sustain mediocre relationships, or worse, remaining in abusive ones.
Retroactive jealousy is always linked, first and foremost, to insecurity. However, for men it is also linked to the immense value we place on the women in our lives. When we put someone on a pedestal they have no choice but to look down on us. Not only is this unhealthy for us as men, but it is equally unhealthy for the women in our lives. When a woman sees that you value her above all else, she starts to question your own value, and attraction dies. You can guess what happens next.
By all means, love your woman, value her, treat her with respect and care, but don’t place her needs above your own. Don’t value her above yourself.
Male sufferers of retroactive jealousy wish to preserve a “pure” vision of their partner’s femininity by questioning them about their interactions with other men. You need to realize that your partner is a human being with flaws, weaknesses, shortcomings, and a need for growth. Of course, this should not dismiss your doubt if her values are genuinely incompatible with your own, but don’t look at her as if she “should be above” certain types of behavior. Any woman is capable as much of the depths of debauchery and depravity, as she is the unyielding matrimonial love, reassurance, and affection we all so desperately seek. (Shout out to Dr. Freud.) The sooner you can realize this, the more peace you will find.
Recently, a reader named Rick from the United States wrote to me about his retroactive jealousy surrounding his partner’s former relationship with another man:
After obsessively questioning her about [her past] she told me that she did share a once in a lifetime experience with this man, which was special and meant something to her and she would always have a connection with him and remember him… This hurts and makes me feel that [she] will always have this douche in her head and heart forever — which I don’t think he deserves as he treated her badly and I came along treating her like a queen.
Rick, and any other man struggling with similar issues, needs to realize that the more he lets this get to him, the more he lets this other guy have power over him and his relationship, the less his partner will be attracted to him, and the more she will question his own strength and value as a man.
Furthermore, I can guarantee that Rick’s woman does not want to be treated like a “queen” — she wants to be ravished simply as a woman, by a strong, confident, and self-assured man. The more Rick can recognize this, and the closer he can grow to his best self, the less he will care about this other bozo, and the happier his partner will be in return.
Your woman is human. Don’t build your life around her, don’t assume that she would “never do” something, don’t presume to “own” her love and affection, and don’t make her “your everything.” Because if you do, she will soon not be anymore.
In short, don’t just be her man — be the man.
