Welcome to the official website for the upcoming e-book Overcoming Retroactive Jealousy.

On this site you will find effective tips and techniques for acknowledging the source of your jealous feelings in relationships, confronting your jealousy, and eventually overcoming it.

Please stay tuned for a series of blog posts detailing effective strategies for overcoming retroactive jealousy, and taking back the power in your life.

In the meantime, check out my story to learn more about my experience with retroactive jealousy, and what inspired me to write the book.

Please feel free to leave comments! Together, we can create an optimistic and supportive community for sufferers of retroactive jealousy, and work on taking the power back.

Please contact jay.zizekian@gmail.com for any and all inquiries.

Stay strong,

Jay Zizek

The following is an excerpt from my upcoming guidebook, Overcoming Retroactive Jealousy, which I will release exclusively on this site in May:

Chapter 2.) Her past doesn’t matter — unless it does.

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There is nothing either good or bad, although thinking makes it so.

- William Shakespeare

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Without question, your perception of your partner’s past is skewed. In the midst of your angst and confusion, you have probably redefined what constitutes a “normal” woman’s sexual history in order to exclude your partner from that category. You probably think all kinds of ridiculous, irrational, and nasty things about her and the people from her past. At the very least, you’re probably not considering your partner’s past from a grounded perspective — your jealousy is running the show, and distorting the picture you see in your head. Bear this in mind as we continue.

You may have serious and legitimate concerns about your partner’s sexual history. And there are certain situations in which you may want to consider whether it’s actually worth fighting for the relationship. Ask yourself the following questions, and be honest with yourself when you respond:

1.) Are you using retroactive jealousy as an excuse to push your partner away because you’re unhappy in the relationship?

2.) Is she a serial cheater? Does your partner have a history of lying and breaking trust?

3.) Are her values genuinely incompatible with your own?

4.) Has she consistently demonstrated reckless and dangerous behaviour? Does your partner pose a risk to your sexual health? (Play safe, kids.)

Be completely honest with yourself when you respond. If the answer is a wholehearted “Yes!” to any one of these questions, you may want to seriously consider moving on, and finding someone to whom you are better suited.

If she’s crazy with a capital “C” and your parents and all of your friends and your mailman and the guy at the gas station and the busboy at the restaurant are telling you so, my advice is to run and don’t look back. Your energy is best spent elsewhere.

There is no shame in acknowledging what you can handle and what you cannot. Still, I urge that if you do decide to move on, do so as a gentleman, and avoid the temptation to hurt your partner, or otherwise attempt to transfer your pain and anguish on to her. A woman’s self-esteem is often a delicate thing, and you will do her — and yourself — no favours if you storm out in a rage, or otherwise intentionally hurt her. It’s bad karma, trust me.

Naturally, I cannot tell you if your partner, or the relationship, is worth fighting for. However, I can tell you that overcoming retroactive jealousy is definitely worth the struggle, regardless of your exact circumstances.

It’s unpleasant to feel powerless. It’s unpleasant to feel out of control and hopeless. It’s unpleasant to feel vulnerable to a constant threat of intrusive and destructive thoughts and feelings. This alone should give you motivation to work on yourself and your retroactive jealousy, regardless of your partner’s past, or your decision to stay with her or not.

Furthermore, as I have discovered, one’s retroactive jealousy is not usually dependent on the partner or her specific history. Many men find that, after moving on from a relationship in which they experienced retroactive jealousy, future relationships suffer a similar fate. For some of us, whenever we fall in love with someone new, we fall victim to a repeat cycle of intrusive thoughts regarding her past, unpleasant emotions, compulsive questioning and self-destructive behavior.

In short, the problem is usually not with your girl or her past — the problem is with you. Read that sentence another time or two before you move on.

Before we proceed, it is necessary to discuss the optimal perspective for dealing with retroactive jealousy. In the next post, I will outline a few concepts borrowed from Buddhism and modern science in order to outline a different way of seeing yourself, your partner, and the people around you.

The following is an excerpt from my upcoming guidebook, Overcoming Retroactive Jealousy, which I will release exclusively on this site in May:

Chapter 2.) We are not who we think we are.

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The most strongly enforced of all known taboos is the taboo against knowing who or what you really are behind the mask of your apparently separate, independent, and isolated ego.

- Alan Watts

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Many people believe that they represent nothing other than a compilation of their personal experiences. These same people also believe that they are fixed, stagnant, a more or less consistent physical and/or spiritual entity from the delivery room to the crematorium. A whole person. “John Smith, born 1934, died —-.” There is only one problem with this type of thinking — it’s entirely inaccurate. I could expand on this to include the fact that we represent, in fact, the entire universe, constantly changing and realizing itself, but I don’t want to scare you off quite yet.[1]

For the moment, simply consider this: from a scientific perspective, there is no being on the planet that exists as a fixed entity. Our cells are generated, transforming, and being destroyed at such an unimaginably rapid pace that there is never a single moment in which all of the cells in our body form a stable, consistent pattern. There is not a single millisecond in which John Smith is not being born, evolving, and dying in some way.

We may recognize Mr. Smith growing older, older, changing, changing, and decaying over a period of several years. We may even recognize him to be the same person, years between meetings. Still, if I meet Mr. Smith today, and then meet him again tomorrow, he will be a completely different person than he was when I met him today.

Picture a whirlpool. Water is constantly running in, running out, and circling furiously so that there is not a single moment in which the whirlpool is static. Although it may appear to form a consistent pattern, every single moment we are actually witnessing a new whirlpool, completely different from the whirlpool that preceded it a moment earlier.

It is useful to consider ourselves, and the people around us, in this way. We are so much more than a compilation of our experiences: we are all constantly being born, constantly changing, and constantly dying, in a very real sense. Thus, I ask that you consider your partner as a whirlpool, constantly changing, always in motion, and evolving by the second.

In all likelihood, the people who once touched your partner’s life left only a fleeting impression. Though memories may (or may not) linger on, every moment these memories fade and become distorted, so that barely a trace of a memory of the original experience remains. Furthermore, as I once saw someone write on an internet forum, “it’s not like a piece of their vagina fell off.” That is to say, try to move away from the idea that your partner’s past lovers left some type of indelible imprint on your partner: they didn’t. It is necessary to accept this premise if you want to get better.

The matter is simple: we cannot be the partners we want to be, we cannot move into the present moment, and we cannot be a part of our partner’s future if we are wedded to their past.

When I was in the grips of retroactive jealousy, I used to take some comfort in this beloved John Lennon classic:

As were many of John’s songs, “Jealous Guy” was intensely personal: all indications suggest that the former Beatle struggled with jealousy in relationships for his entire adult life. John would incessantly question his wife Yoko about each and every lover she ever took before getting together with John.

From the time Lennon was in his early twenties until his untimely death at the age of forty, he was one of the most pursued men on the planet. Women of all ages fawned over him, and his sexual conquests were legion. Aside from all of this feminine adulation, he was acknowledged and respected by his peers as one of the world’s finest songwriters, forming the most celebrated and successful rock band of all time.

At the core of it all, however, was “just a jealous guy:” tortured by the early death of his mother, John always felt inadequate. He often acted like an invulnerable “bad boy” in public, and emanated bravado for most of his public life, but inside John was insecure. Unsurprisingly, Yoko’s attraction for him waned after several years of marriage, and the two separated in 1973. They would reunite after a year and a half, but if anything John returned to Yoko needing her even more than he did before. “I could literally not survive without her,” he is quoted as saying.

From an early age I have been a Beatles fanatic, and feel immense love and respect for John Lennon the man. It pains me to think that he may have gone to his grave never really confronting his retroactive jealousy, and overcoming his perpetual sense of insecurity.

John at least acknowledged his jealousy (and in the most public of ways). For this, he deserves our respect. Acknowledging our jealousy is the first step to overcoming it.

I used to spend a lot of time browsing relationship advice forums in the vain hope of finding an “instant cure” for my retroactive jealousy. For reasons I will expand on in a future post, it doesn’t exist — there is no instant cure for retroactive jealousy. There are strategies, practices, and perspectives that will help you overcome retroactive jealousy, but it won’t happen overnight. It takes strength, patience, and dedication. Oh yeah — it can also be fun. But more on that later.

In the meantime, I found this thread on LoveShack.org to be among the most insightful, informative, and valuable conversations about retroactive jealousy on the internet. The original poster, a user named “bazool,” offers a familiar story:

First of all, I’m aware my obsession with her past (12 guys, a few one night stands) is irrational. I have a past. I’ve slept with 31 girls and done some dodgy things that’s for sure. This is my problem, not hers.

It really is a double standard. I want this to be the one for me. I’ve never loved like this and will happily propose to her once/if I get over this!

I just wanted to see if there are any people out there who HAVE gotten over this. It’s rationality vs the animal in me, the crocodile brain. I’m just hoping I can win this one.

I never hold this against her, judge her or make her feel bad about the choices she made. I know she loves me more than any of these men, enjoys sex more and the past is not in my control but it eats away at you!

How many of you identified with this? I know I did.

And just for the record — yes, there are people who have “gotten over this.” I know because I’m one of them.

Many of the responders to this thread demonstrated great insight. I’ve featured some of the highlights below.

Rproctor writes:

Hmm… I feel for you guys, I really do. Im not too old here, only 25, but I think this issue starts to subside with maturity. Not really age per say, but experience. Not sexual experience, but through mental experience. My current gf is really great, but some of the things she did in her past sent me in this problematic state of mind. I was making issues where there was no reason, you know what I mean.

There have been numerous things I have realized about myself, about relationships, and about love that has shifted me out of that mindset. Really, its all in your head, and no where else. Your girls experiences and past are blessings, not that they make you feel good, but like someone posted before it gives her stability and makes her decisions more grounded.

Really, you need to step outside of this and see your girl for who she is. She is just another human like you and I, and if you put her on a pedestal than that is your own fault, not hers. If you treat her like an object than that is your own fault, not hers. Don’t cloud your mind with these “normalities” that society feeds you. You know, women do not loose anything after they have sex with someone, its not like a part of their vagina falls off, or they lose a part of their emotion to love. Women dont hold onto these past men, they are not trying to juggle it all at once. Its over man, just like you will be over if you leave her. You will be pushed back into her mind just like the rest of the guys, and she will find someone else.

And you know what, 10 years from now, when you meet the next love of your life, and you find out that she did the dirty deed way more than you feel comfortable with, what are you going to do? You cant keep depreciating women because of their past, or what they did without you before they knew you. Im sure you realize that, but do you acknowledge it? Its important to separate yourself from this, because it will be a life long problem for you unless you overcome it now.

The best advice I can give to anyone who is going through this, is to literally step outside this and look at this situation from another perspective. Really, you cant “beat” this, or really overcome it. There is nothing to beat, and nothing to gain. Your emotions and feelings will always be there, its about learning how to cope with them. Its natural, the way you feel, its inevitable, but irrational and often clouded.

AAlike writes:

bazool,

I also think that this is probably a by-product of moving too fast in your own head. I mean, on the one hand you’re talking about “this is the one, I want to propose to her” and on the other hand you’re agonizing over the fact that she’s had what really isn’t an out of the ordinary past, and is relatively tame when compared to your own.

You’re thinking in extremes – on the one hand, you have this “sugar and spice” view of your girl that you’ve probably never felt and puts her in a class beyond all other woman, then on the other hand you have the fact that she has had what were probably some akward and relatively unfulfilling hookups, and this bothers you because it “normalizes” her, or places her in a class with other women, which “taints” that idealistic view.

As time goes on, eventually your view of her will fall somewhere square in between of those extremes (i.e., a normal human) and you will have way less trouble processing that she’s done things that a normal young female very well may do at that age, and you’ll learn to get past them and trivialize them just as she has done and I’m sure you have done with your own experiences. and that’s another thing – when this gets real bad, do your best to think of your own casual experiences and how little they mean to you in the big picture. Realize that both her and all of the other people that participated in her sexual past have most likely gotten well past it and the only reason that it perpetuates is you.

Oldguy (ha) writes:

Remember; this person you care about so deeply is a PERSON not a problem. In almost every case I can assure you she almost certainly has issues with her past also, especially now that she’s found someone who actually cares for her and treats her right. Don’t stop treating her right. I’ve talked to so many women who wish they could, “do it over”. If you are agonizing over this it is because you have found someone you love. Kicking her to the curb because you want to feel better is not the answer and is just plain sad. Guys, you need to work through this. You don’t need to make her feel bad, or worse. You will just become one of the jerks and her self esteem and self worth will take yet another hit. If you have too, talk to a councilor, one who deals in relationship issues. First on your own, you probably will never need to involve her. I don’t want to sound cold but this issue is owned by the one it bothers, that person needs to resolve it. Step up to the plate, do the right thing, don’t hurt this wonderful person who you obviously love.

Walk writes:

You can share a few moments with other people, and enjoy it for what it is. OR you can view a gf as something you acquired, and when there is some part of her that doesn’t meet your ideal, then that attribute would need to be altered. When men “own” something they can alter it to suit their wants. We don’t own our partners.

I think it’s an important concept to understand that you’re only borrowing a short amount of time with this other person. You can either make the most of that time together, or you can attempt to adjust the person to fit your ideals for who someone should be. Its the attempting to adjust that persons past that causes the discord and emotional turmoil.

I was encouraged to find that, in a new post several months later, bazool provided an update on his situation:

I just want to say that I came here about a year ago thinking I was going mental with panic and all these crazy feelings that I thought would never end.One year later, I am in a secure, trusting and jealousy free relationship with no concerns or obsessions about her past. Im saying this only because I came here today for the first time in months and months for the sake of it and I see the same usernames encouraging these irrational thoughts, insulting the choices of free individuals and basically giving a lot of guys no hope in a struggle that sometimes only they can understand.You WILL get over it. You will see your woman as a human you love. On an even more extreme level, you can even see what choices your lady has made as a beautiful sign of her own independence in a society that allows it. Anyway, point is, the light IS at the end of the tunnel. Best of luck guys. Stay strong.

Although this video does not provide much direction in terms of “how to stop being jealous,” it does provide some great insight into the nature of jealousy, the emotional payoff of jealousy, and different ways of understanding it. The uploader — a YouTube user named “puppetcuttingstrings” — has a friendly, supportive, and positive attitude, and is obviously happy to be sharing some hard-won knowledge. As one commenter put it, “This is some big brother shit, right here.”

(Although beware the moment of cringe at 3:53. Other than that, the video is good.)

The following is an excerpt from my upcoming guidebook, Overcoming Retroactive Jealousy, which I will release exclusively on this site next month:

Chapter 8.) Let go.

The greater part of human activity is designed to make permanent those experiences and joys which are only lovable because they are changing.

It must be obvious… that there is a contradiction in wanting to be perfectly secure in a universe whose very nature is momentariness and fluidity.

- Alan Watts

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All jealous people believe, to a greater or lesser extent, that they can “control” their partners. This qualifies as a delusion because you simply cannot control other people. If your partner wants to run back to her ex-boyfriend, she will. If your partner wants to fool around with a co-worker, she will. If your partner wants to leave you, you better believe that they will. Short of physical force or incarceration, you cannot restrict your partner’s will, so unless jailtime seems appealing, you need to let go.

Let go of expectation. Let go of control. Let go of restrictions. Let go of your need for security and reassurance. Let go and let the universe do its work. Let go.

Love is fickle. Attraction is fickle. The world is fickle, and men and women are fickle. There are absolutely no certainties in love, and the only certainty in life is that it ends. Relationships dissolve, marriages fall apart, people grow old and die, and the only thing you will be at the end of this journey is a pile of decaying matter, returning to the earth in one manner or another.

This may seem distressing or depressing to you, but these are truths that are necessary for you to accept if you want to get better. They are also enormously liberating and exciting truths.

Our species has a major advantage in that we know, without any doubt, that one day we will die, and that all of our efforts and achievements will turn to dust. How do you want to spend the rest of your time? Endlessly clinging to the illusion of your ego and “the way things ought to be?” Seeking a reassurance that will never come? Attempting to assert control over the chaotic, illogical and uncontrollable phenomenon that is love? This is delusional living, and it is a complete and utter waste of time.

A happy life is one lived without expectations. One who lives without expectations is open to endless possibilities. Overcoming retroactive jealousy requires that you commit to living an intentional life devoid of expectation.

Read that last sentence again. Letting go of expectations does not mean living a life void of intention. In fact, making decisions and setting intentions is one of the most powerful things we can do as humans, and is absolutely essential to the task of overcoming retroactive jealousy. We may set intentions and work toward them, but the outcome is out of our control. We must make choices to do things simply for the doing — not because we are expecting a certain outcome.

Many jealous people see their jealousy as an expression of love. I have always had trouble with this sentiment, as I believe that real and true love is completely devoid of expectation, and jealous people expect their partners to behave in a certain manner. Giving love should be done simply for the giving, not because of expectation, or anticipation of receiving anything in return.

Think about the last time you made truly passionate, and great love. The best sex I have ever experienced has always involved me succumbing totally to the present moment, and losing myself in the act of giving. No doubt, I was also receiving intense love and pleasure, but it was in my giving, and total letting go of expectations, that I saw god. This is true love, to me.

Letting go of expectations and our vain attempt at “control” frees up energy to be directed toward more fun, and infinitely more fruitful endeavors. And you will need this energy in order to complete the other exercises described in this section.

Several of the exercises outlined in Part Two of this book require a pen and paper — and yes, I do mean pen and paper, not a word processor [gasp]. So find a pen and paper and write down the following statement:

I choose to let go because it’s the only, and therefore best, option.

Writing things down can often have a magical effect on our will, and capacity to grow. As we proceed in this section, you may find a new sense of power and optimism after transferring your thoughts and intentions to paper. Roll with it.

Continuing on the theme of last week’s post, I thought I might share this beautifully simple take on the meaning of life by the Russian concert pianist Andrei Gavrilov. I came across it a couple of years ago on Paulo Coelho’s blog, and it served me well during my darkest periods of retroactive jealousy.

The trick is to balance setting intentions with non-attachment to the outcome. As I talk about in my book, we must commit to living an intentional life devoid of expectation if we are to overcome retroactive jealousy. Gavrilov sums up his experience of this way of living below:

I asked myself at an early age, why does everybody live as though they were on an enormous skating rink?
Why does an invisible force make everyone race around in a circle without looking back until the day they die?

People who have no wish to run with everyone else are viewed as losers. Those moving in the opposite direction are considered crazy, dangerously arrogant or dissidents.

I ran with everyone in the “only right” direction. I triumphed in various competitions, won gold medals, plates, discs, gramophones, silver spheres…
I had the courage necessary to put an end to the hideous race. I stopped. Then I set off along my own path.
My sense of reason, poisoned by fear, tried to push me back. I resisted and fought as hard as I could.

I smothered the eternal terror of the modern individual of being surplus to requirement.
For a long time I had no success.
After a decade of intensely difficult work and prayers at my instrument, musical revelations started to appear. Not illusory ones, but genuine.
More and more people started to discern in my music every intention of the composer I was performing.
My music stopped humming, jangling, crackling and giving off sparks. It started to talk unobtrusively about what was really important.
I ceased to be aware of time; it lost all meaning for me. The so-called “meaning of life” opened up before me.

It turned out to be infinitely simple – give love and seek no reward.
Reciprocal love is your reward and the meaning of life in its entirety.

The following is an excerpt from my e-guide to overcoming retroactive jealousy, which I will release exclusively on this site later this week. Please subscribe to updates from my site using the form on the right-hand column of this page. As always, I welcome your comments and feedback.

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5: Jealousy telegraphs insecurity.

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A competent and self-confident person is incapable of jealousy in anything.

- Robert Heinlein

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Consider this question for a moment: if you were completely comfortable in your own skin, and completely confident about your abilities as a lover, would your partner’s past bother you so much? Almost certainly not.

It was a humbling and painful moment for me when I realized that I wasn’t as self-assured and confident as I purported to be. Throughout the most intense periods of my retroactive jealousy, I told myself and others around me that I was bothered by my girlfriend’s past because I was so much better than her past lovers. I had the attitude of “How could she degrade herself to be with them? I’m the best!… But if I am the best, why does the fact that she had previous lovers bother me so much? Shouldn’t I simply smile, satisfied with the knowledge that I really am the best lover for her? After all, she’s here, isn’t she? She isn’t clamoring for anyone else. She’s demonstrated complete devotion to me, and our relationship. I’m the best… aren’t I? So why does her past still bother me so much..?”

My logic began to cave in on itself. I was not nearly as confident and self-assured as I thought I was. It pained me to admit it, but there was indeed a part of me that was threatened by her past lovers. When I realized this, I began to develop a new type of confidence, however: I began to commit myself to change, and, little by little, I began to believe in my own ability to change. Which reminds me: you must believe in your ability to change if you want to get better.

Discard any nonsensical self-talk that tells you that you’re too stubborn, too stuck in your ways, too wedded to your beliefs to change them. You’re reading this book, aren’t you? I’d say that qualifies you as someone who is willing to grow, and challenge their own beliefs. And you need to believe in your ability to change because I can guarantee that retroactive jealousy is slowly killing your relationship, and your partner’s attraction to you. I know from experience.

Permit me to speak generally for a moment: women are attracted to confident, self-assured men; comfortable in the knowledge that they are constantly growing into the best man that they can be. You might think it silly, but think about Bond, James Bond, for a moment. Do you think James cares about his partner’s exes? If you’re not a fan of 007, think about any man who many women admire, famous or otherwise. Were they plagued by retroactive jealousy? Even if they were, would they make efforts to confront and deal with it, or would they simply stay a victim? What do you think?

Intense jealousy telegraphs intense insecurity. And this is not good because your insecurity is destroying your partner’s attraction for you. If you are constantly worried about something your partner did in the past, or might do in the future, not only are you not really living, but you are also conveying a subconscious message to your partner, which is “I’m threatened by just about every other man out there.” Not exactly sexy stuff.

Would you want to be with a woman who is constantly threatened by every other woman on the block? Probably not. Jealousy is a universal turn-off, and the more that you can move on from your jealousy and demonstrate self-assuredness and comfort in your own skin, the more your partner will be drawn to you, and the more confident you will become. It becomes a self-perpetuating cycle of demonstrating confidence = attraction and affection from your partner = more confidence; healthy for you, your partner, and the relationship. Your sex life in particular will reap the rewards.

In the words of dating expert David DeAngelo, “attraction is not a choice.” Similarly, not being attracted is not a choice. No matter how much your partner loves you, no matter how much she cares about you and the relationship, she will not be able to help but be turned off by your jealousy and insecurity, whether she admits it to you or not. When your partner’s attraction fades, so too does the strength of the bond you share with her. The sooner you face the fact that your retroactive jealousy will destroy your partner’s attraction for you and kill the relationship, the sooner you will realize the urgent need for you to get over your condition, and grow into the best self that you can be.

The early response to my website has been both humbling, and slightly overwhelming. Today, I am proud to announce that my instructional e-guide for overcoming retroactive jealousy is available for purchase.

My guidebook, Overcoming Retroactive Jealousy, is aimed at men and women who are jealous of their partner’s past relationships and/or sexual history, and who want to find greater peace and happiness. Part One: The Situation deals with what retroactive jealousy is, what it looks and feels like, where it comes from, and what it means for you. Part Two: The Solution offers a step-by-step program to overcoming retroactive jealousy. In the book, I detail effective strategies, practices, and exercises for confronting, and eventually overcoming, jealousy regarding a partner’s past as painlessly and efficiently as possible. I know they are effective because these exercises and practices are what enabled me to get over my own retroactive jealousy.

As I have written about on this site, this book is intensely personal for me. I write from the rare perspective of someone who has experienced crippling retroactive jealousy, and through a process of self-exploration, growth, and discovery, eventually overcome it. I wrote this book to tell you that you can do the same.

You need to know that you can move on from retroactive jealousy, and reassert control over your life. You can get a hold on your brain, and patterns of compulsive questioning and obsessive thoughts. You can be the partner you want to be — you just have to understand where retroactive jealousy comes from, and how to deal with it.

So let’s get started.

Overcoming Retroactive Jealousy: A Guide to Getting Over Your Partner’s Past and Finding Peace is available for purchase exclusively on this page for the special introductory price of $12.99 (USD). Click on the “BUY NOW” icon below to purchase via PayPal. If you don’t have a PayPal account, you can also pay with with most major credit cards.

Buy now

As soon as your payment is processed, you will receive an instant download of my e-guide as a PDF file, readable on any computer.

Please contact me at frank.j.morrison@gmail.com for more information, troubleshooting, or if you have any problems in the purchasing or downloading process. I will get back to you within 24 hours, and resolve any issues that may have come up.

I want to thank-you so much for your support. Together, we can take the power back.

Stay strong,

Frank

If you are a sufferer of retroactive jealousy and you’ve come across this site, chances are good that you have been searching (in vain) for a “cure.” If so, you’ve come to the right place.

I’m not going to offer you an “overnight cure” because there isn’t one. I’m not going to sell you a “miracle formula” because it doesn’t exist either. There is no magic cure or quick fix when it comes to retroactive jealousy. However, worry not: the actual “cure” is something much more exciting and rewarding.

Overcoming retroactive jealousy involves a sincere commitment to challenging your beliefs and insecurities, and growing into the best self that you can be.

If I could sum up “the path” to overcoming retroactive jealousy in one sentence that would be it.

In my conversations with fellow former sufferers of retroactive jealousy, I have found that there is one main characteristic shared by people who have successfully overcome their condition: a sincere dedication to personal growth and development. If you commit to keep working on yourself, challenging your beliefs and insecurities, completing the exercises in my guidebook, and never stop growing into the best self that you can be, I am confident that you too will find success.

As I outline in the book, there are several specific exercises that you can do today to help to alleviate your jealous feelings, and bring fast relief. Some even do produce instantaneous, or “overnight” results. However, overcoming retroactive jealousy mainly involves hard work, soul-searching, unlearning, relearning, a bit of patience, and a lot of good humor. It is not an easy path, and there is no definite “finish line,” but it is a path that is increasingly rewarding and fulfilling the further you travel.

The good news in all of this is that you can stop looking for some external force or factor to provide you with a “cure” for retroactive jealousy because you’ve had it all along. You already have the power to overcome retroactive jealousy — all you need is a little guidance.

If you commit to challenging your beliefs, working on your insecurities, and following the step-by-step program I outline in my guide to overcoming retroactive jealousy, you too can find peace.

Over the past couple of weeks, several people have asked me to expand on why, exactly, their retroactive jealousy is based on a lie. Regardless of their particular circumstances, here are the top-3 reasons why it is so:

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1.) The past doesn’t exist.

This is the big one.

I’m going to ask you to perform a little experiment. Try to reach out and change the past.

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(…)

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Still here? OK, good. How did that work out for you?

We all know that we cannot, in fact, change the past. We also realize that, naturally, the past doesn’t exist. All that exists is the present moment, here and now. However, we often find that simply knowing this, at the intellectual level, brings little relief. As I discuss in my book, certain perspectives and practices can help us recognize the fluidity of time, and the irrelevance of the past more fully. The more we can incorporate exercises and practices in our daily life that remind us that the past is history, the more we can move on from retroactive jealousy.

You think retroactive jealousy is based on whatever did (or didn’t) happen in your partner’s past. The only way the past can exist in an abstract sense is if you perpetuate it. See the solution? Let go of the past and you let go of retroactive jealousy.

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2.) The past doesn’t exist as anyone remembers it.

Think about a memorable event from your past that you remember very clearly. You might be able to remember the sights, sounds, tastes, etc. associated with that particular moment in your life history. However, time distorts memory. Your “memory” of the past is not a “memory” as we would are often led to believe. We only have access to the past through the lens of the present. That is to say, your “memory” of some past event will be completely different in a week, or a month, or a year, depending on the circumstances in which you “remembered” it.

Our memories of the past mutate, fade, and eventually disintegrate over time. Though there may be some inaccessible memory of the event buried deep within your cerebral cortex, for all intents and purposes it is gone. If you’re worried about your partner’s memories of past lovers “still being there,” consider this — they’re not.

In my book, I focus very little on what did or didn’t happen in your partner’s past. However, I can tell you without hesitation that not only does your partner’s past not exist — it definitely doesn’t exist as you imagine it, or as they remember it.

(Pro-tip: Want to minimize your partner’s memories of past lovers? Create incredible new memories together starting now.)

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3.) It’s not about his/her past — it’s about you.

I cannot emphasize this enough: this is your problem, not your partner’s. Even if you decide to move on from an unhealthy relationship, or that your values are genuinely incompatible with your partner’s, retroactive jealousy is your beast to confront. And you must confront it, sooner or later.

No one wants to live a life in servitude to obsessive thoughts, and painful emotions. Regardless of your decision to stay with your partner, retroactive jealousy will continue to plague you until you step up, do the necessary work, and overcome it.

Many people find that even after moving on from a relationship in which they experienced retroactive jealousy, future relationships suffer an identical fate. Many people carry around this problem with them for their entire lives, all needlessly.

I believe that everyone has the ability to overcome retroactive jealousy, get over their partner’s past, and find greater peace. I wrote the book to give you the support, guidance, and tools to do just that.

Stay strong, out there.

As I write about in my new guidebook, music can have a serious impact on how we feel, and how we think. In one of the chapters in Overcoming Retroactive Jealousy, I recommend that you take your listening habits more seriously, and begin surrounding yourself with, as one might put it, “good vibrations,” rather than sad and melancholy tunes. Your iPod is important and, when used correctly, could be a major ally in your struggle against retroactive jealousy. When you’re dealing with retroactive jealousy, you need all the help you can get — and Dean Martin will be a much better friend to you than Morrissey at this point. That said, one song in particular provided me with enormous comfort during my struggles with retroactive jealousy.

Paul Simon gets deep in “Still Crazy After All These Years.” You may have heard it on the radio a million times before, but have you ever really listened to the words, or truly considered the perspective of the song’s narrator? Take a moment for a mental health break, and listen to the song below:

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Even if you’re not a Paul Simon fan, take a moment to think about what’s really being said here:

I met my old lover on the street last night
She seemed so glad to see me
I just smiled

Consider the cool groove of the band, Simon’s relaxed phrasing, and the character he inhabits in “Still Crazy.”

Some sufferers of retroactive jealousy are troubled by the illusion that their partner’s former lovers have vivid memories of their time together, and therefore maintain a close bond with their current partner. In almost every case, this is not only unlikely, but impossible.

Simon’s character in “Still Crazy After All These Years” isn’t still enamored with his “old lover,” and the rest of the song reveals that she probably “seemed so glad to see” him out of simple courtesy. The bond that they once shared has dissolved, and it is made abundantly clear that they maintain no desire for each other, or serious interest in each other. In short: the past is gone, and all that remains is a few scattered reminiscences shared over drinks.

In all likelihood, the people who once touched your partner’s life left only a fleeting impression, and vice versa. Though memories may (or may not) linger on, in each and every moment your partner’s memories fade and become distorted, so that barely a trace of a hint of the original experience remains in their consciousness. As I write about in the book, time distorts memory, and we only have access to memories of the past through the lens of the present. Move away from the idea that your partner’s past lovers left some sort of indelible impression on your partner — they didn’t.

In conclusion, I will leave you with one of my favourite lyrics of all time:

I never worry — why should I?

It’s all gonna fade

Exactly. It’s all going to fade — these worries, these stresses, this jealousy, this love, this pain, this passion, this angst, this joy.

Our species has a major advantage in that we know, without any doubt, that one day we will die, and that all of our efforts and achievements will turn to dust. How will you choose to spend the rest of your time? Endlessly clinging to the illusion of your ego and “the way things ought to be?” Seeking a supreme reassurance that will never come? Attempting to assert control over the chaotic, illogical and entirely uncontrollable phenomenon that is love? This is delusional living, and it is a complete and utter waste of time.

Take a moment right now to rest your eyes, feel your body on your seat, breathe deeply, and sink into the bliss of the present moment.

One of the most valuable relationship maxims I have ever come across is the following:

She is not your everything — and if she is, she will soon not be anymore.

This is aimed specifically at men in relationships with women, though anyone can benefit by acquiring this perspective on relationships.

All too often, various social and cultural forces tell men to prioritize the women in their lives above their mission, their passions, their interests, even their own psychological or spiritual health. This has lead to an epidemic in modern society of directionless, unpassionate, and unhappy men struggling to sustain mediocre relationships, or worse, remaining in abusive ones.

Retroactive jealousy is always linked, first and foremost, to insecurity. However, for men it is also linked to the immense value we place on the women in our lives. When we put someone on a pedestal they have no choice but to look down on us. Not only is this unhealthy for us as men, but it is equally unhealthy for the women in our lives. When a woman sees that you value her above all else, she starts to question your own value, and attraction dies. You can guess what happens next.

By all means, love your woman, value her, treat her with respect and care, but don’t place her needs above your own. Don’t value her above yourself.

Male sufferers of retroactive jealousy wish to preserve a “pure” vision of their partner’s femininity by questioning them about their interactions with other men. You need to realize that your partner is a human being with flaws, weaknesses, shortcomings, and a need for growth. Of course, this should not dismiss your doubt if her values are genuinely incompatible with your own, but don’t look at her as if she “should be above” certain types of behavior. Any woman is capable as much of the depths of debauchery and depravity, as she is the unyielding matrimonial love, reassurance, and affection we all so desperately seek. (Shout out to Dr. Freud.) The sooner you can realize this, the more peace you will find.

Recently, a reader named Rick from the United States wrote to me about his retroactive jealousy surrounding his partner’s former relationship with another man:

After obsessively questioning her about [her past] she told me that she did share a once in a lifetime experience with this man, which was special and meant something to her and she would always have a connection with him and remember him… This hurts and makes me feel that [she] will always have this douche in her head and heart forever — which I don’t think he deserves as he treated her badly and I came along treating her like a queen.

Rick, and any other man struggling with similar issues, needs to realize that the more he lets this get to him, the more he lets this other guy have power over him and his relationship, the less his partner will be attracted to him, and the more she will question his own strength and value as a man.

Furthermore, I can guarantee that Rick’s woman does not want to be treated like a “queen” — she wants to be ravished simply as a woman, by a strong, confident, and self-assured man. The more Rick can recognize this, and the closer he can grow to his best self, the less he will care about this other bozo, and the happier his partner will be in return.

Your woman is human. Don’t build your life around her, don’t assume that she would “never do” something, don’t presume to “own” her love and affection, and don’t make her “your everything.” Because if you do, she will soon not be anymore.

In short, don’t just be her man — be the man.

If there is one thing I can say with utmost certainty to any sufferer of retroactive jealousy, it is this:

You are not alone.

In the few short weeks this site has been active, and my book has been for sale, I have been fortunate enough to connect with a wide variety of people dealing with RJ from around the world. My site has received hundreds of visitors from over 25 countries, spanning every gender, sexual orientation, age, etc. From Iceland to India, I feel fortunate to be providing hope and encouragement to others involved in a struggle that can often feel extremely isolating.

When I was struggling with retroactive jealousy, I often felt alone. I may have discussed my problem with a trusted friend or family member, but for the most part I was too ashamed to speak up. And even when I did, I felt as though others simply didn’t “get it.”

“What’s the problem? The past is gone. Live in the moment, and enjoy what you share with Layla now” would be the general advice others would offer; no doubt apt, but sorely lacking in practical guidance.

I wrote the book, in part, because I remember how empty this type of advice used to sound. I remember how isolated I used to feel.

My guidebook offers an unambiguous and practical step-by-step path to overcoming retroactive jealousy. It is not an easy path, but I can attest to the fact that it gets easier, and more fulfilling the farther you travel.

In the meantime, take comfort in the fact that you are not alone. There are literally millions of people around the world going through a situation similar to yours, and seeking the same answers you are.

It has been incredibly rewarding to be able to provide some of these answers. Moreover, it has been enlightening and encouraging to have readers share their personal stories with me. I’ve been taken aback at how frank, unguarded, and brave some of my readers have been in their emails to me. It takes courage to admit that you have a problem, no doubt, but it takes a special kind of bravery to let your guard down and offer your story to a complete stranger.

If you have any questions or comments about the site or the book, please send me an email at frank.j.morrison@gmail.com. Future articles on this website, and future editions of my book, stand to benefit from your feedback.

To all of the people buying the book and writing to me, I am humbled by and grateful for your courage and support. So thank-you.

When you are able to cultivate the ability to simply observe a thought or emotion as it arises, and then watch it fade away peacefully, you suddenly become very powerful. As I write in my guidebook, overcoming retroactive jealousy requires that we learn to observe thoughts and emotions without becoming attached to them. The inspiration for this chapter in Overcoming Retroactive Jealousy came, in part, from Jiddu Krishnamurti (1895-1986), a renowned Indian philosopher and writer on spirituality and metaphysics. In the interview below, Krishnamurti details the practice of observing oneself:

Interviewer: Emotions are strong. Our attachments are strong. How does looking and seeing reduce the strength and power of these emotions?

Jiddu Krishnamurti: Trying to control, suppress, or sublimate emotions and attachments in no way reduces the conflict, does it? Are one’s emotions so extraordinarily strong that they act? First one has to be conscious, aware, to know or recognise, to see, that one’s emotions are strong and also that one is attached…

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So awareness of your emotions, your attachments, is part of your nature, part of your structure. If you are looking at yourself there is no division, there is no duality as the ‘me’ and attachment. There is only attachment, not the word but the fact, the feeling, the emotion, the possessiveness in attachment. That is a fact; that is ‘me’.

So, what am I to do with the ‘me’? When there was division between ‘me’ and attachment I could try to do something about it; I could try to control it, I could say, ”I must suppress it”, – which we do all the time. But if it is ‘me’, what can I do? I cannot do anything; I can only observe. Before, I acted upon it; now I cannot act upon it because it is ‘me’. All I can do is observe. Observation becomes all important, not what I do about it.

So there is observation, not, ”I am observing”. There is only observation. If in that observation I begin to choose and say, ”I must not be attached”, I have already moved away, I am no saying that it is not ‘me’. In observation there is no choice, there is no direction, there is just pure, absolute, observation, and then the thing that is being observed dissolves. Before, you resisted it, you controlled it, you suppressed it, you acted upon it; but now in that observation all energy is centered. It is only when there is the lack of that energy that there is attachment. When there is complete observation without any interference of thought – why should thought come in? – you are just observing as you observe the thing that you call the fly.

Just observe in the same way your emotions and attachments, then there is the gathering of all energy in that observation. Therefore there is no attachment. It is only the unintelligent who are attached, it is only those who do not see the full implications of attachment who are attached. They pervade the world, they are the stronger element in the world and we are caught in that. But when you come to examine this closely, then you are no longer caught in that and you are no longer dissipating energy in something which has no meaning.

Your energy is now centered completely in observation, therefore there is total dissipation of attachment. Test it, do it and you will find out. You have to examine the thing very, very closely so that your mind is absolutely clear in the observation. It is only the unaware who jump over the cliff. The moment you are aware of danger, move. Attachment is a danger because it breeds fear, anxiety, hate and jealousy, being possessed and being not possessed – the whole of that is a tremendous danger. And when you see that danger there is action.

Below is a half-hour documentary from 1966 featuring Krishnamurti on observation. Highly relevant for our purposes, and worthwhile viewing:

As usual, some profound insight from one of the funniest humans on the planet, comedian Louis CK.

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A few years ago, upon initially seeing this bit on Louis’ special Hilarious, I immediately drew a connection to my own struggles with retroactive jealousy.

I live in one of the richest countries on Earth (Canada represent), and the majority of the visitors to my website come from Canada, and other comparably wealthy nations (the USA, the UK, Australia, Germany, etc.). This has led me to believe that citizens in wealthy countries are more likely to suffer from retroactive jealousy than those in less fortunate nations. Now, there are surely many reasons why this site receives most of its visitors from wealthy countries — wealthier nations usually have more citizens with internet access; a secular society is more likely to permit men and women to have multiple romantic and sexual relationships, resulting in more widespread RJ; at the moment this site is in English only, etc. However, I argue that this is also partly due to the “Everything is amazing, and nobody’s happy” principle laid out by Louis CK in the above clip. It seems that, for many of us, no matter how good our lives and relationships are, no matter how amazing the present moment is, we seek out an excuse to spoil it. No matter how much we have, we always want more.

Many sufferers of RJ feel, on a conscious or subconscious level, that they want “all” of their partner. This may include our partner’s virginity, all of the details of their sexual history, exclusive access to their love and affection, etc. What we fail to realize is that each and every moment with our partner is an incredible gift, and we have no right to expect “all” of them.

If you suffer from RJ, chances are you have wasted time wishing you could “change the past.” What sufferers of RJ all too often fail to realize is that the past — and the entire universe — conspired to allow your relationship to happen. An unimaginable coalition of forces, processes, and circumstances converged at a particular moment in history to let you and your partner find each other. Altering the past, in any minute way, could and probably would result in that never happening. It may sound trite and/or naive to suggest that your partner’s past is a gift, but it’s undeniably true if you value your partner and your relationship at all. Stop trying to create excuses to convince yourself otherwise.

I do not need to convince most sufferers of RJ that their jealousy is irrational. For many of us, we know that the present moment, and our current partner, is wonderful, joyous, and should impel us to quit living in the past. We know that we only have access to the peace we are seeking by accepting the reality of the present moment, rather than interrogating our partner about their past. We know on a subconscious level that “everything is amazing” –  that now is amazing — and yet, still, we are hung up on hallucinations based on an imaginary past.

The past is a hallucination. The past does not exist as you, your partner, or anyone else imagines it. The past doesn’t exist at all. Permitting a hallucination to have power over you is delusional living — and it’s time to stop.

The more we can grow into our best selves, the more we can submit to the bliss of the present moment, and the more we accept that we can never “accept” our partner’s past — how can we accept something that doesn’t exist? — the more we will realize that “everything is amazing,” and be open to the incredible happiness that we have access to in each and every moment.

Because it’s Friday and spring is in the air (at least here in Canada) and love is all around us if we are brave enough to choose it, I thought I’d share something fun. Although I will warn sufferers of retroactive jealousy with intense emotional triggers/responses to sex scenes, etc. to avoid watching this video, despite its levity.

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I wanted to share this with my readers because

a) The MC’s flow is pretty good, and the song and video are both very clever.

b) The subject matter is, obviously, very relevant to our purposes.

In the video, our hero nearly destroys his budding relationship with an absolutely gorgeous, kind and considerate new girlfriend because of his insecurity, and hallucinations surrounding his girlfriend’s past. Myself, and countless others, have done the exact same thing. Don’t let it happen to you.

Don’t let some hallucination based around sketchy details of your partner’s past have power over you. You are fighting a phantom enemy, as your partner’s past doesn’t exist, as you or anyone else imagines it. Recognize this, step up to the plate, and do the necessary work to take the power back.

Breathe deeply, and let Lil’ Dicky’s message sink in. (There’s a sentence I never thought I’d write.)

Recently, I received an email from a reader named Ryan in the UK concerning retroactive jealousy, and reduced libido:

As I’m working on my issues my girlfriend has noticed that sometimes when my RJ is at its worst I don’t perform with her at my best and also we don’t have sex as much – a byproduct of feeling low due to my RJ and resulting in a reduced libido. Have you ever suffered from this issue? What did you tell your girlfriend?

A good question, and one I’ve been meaning to write about for some time.

To answer Ryan’s question, yes, I have suffered from reduced libido as a result of my retroactive jealousy. On occasion, I would either tell my partner that I didn’t feel like having sex because of my jealousy, or I would be cagey, roll over, and tell her nothing at all. In retrospect, I think both approaches were misguided.

It’s normal for sexual desire to wax and wane in a long term relationship; even more so when one of the people in that relationship suffers from RJ. So Ryan — it’s normal for you to feel the way you feel; what’s more, it might even be a good sign that you’re feeling the way you feel.

Ryan may think that his libido is lower because of his RJ, but it may actually be a signal from his subconscious that it’s time to focus less on sex and the relationship, and more on working on himself, and growing into a better man.

If you begin the necessary work on your jealousy, and start pushing yourself to grow, your priorities may start to shift in a positive direction. Instead of seeking external validation, affection, and reassurance, you will be increasingly able to cultivate the ability to create your own self-worth, self-assuredness, and happiness.

Ryan and I have been engaged in a dialogue for some time, and it seems that he’s making real progress. I told Ryan that he should continue working on himself, and realize that his internal sense of worth and confidence is paramount to maintaining a healthy relationship. Furthermore, half-hearted sex is never satisfying; I recommended that Ryan doesn’t put pressure on himself regarding his sexual performance (or lack thereof), and give his libido some time to rejuvenate. If he does the necessary work, believe me, it will.

As far as what to say to his girlfriend in the meantime, I recommend that Ryan doesn’t make a big deal out of it, does not tell his girlfriend his reduced desire is because of his RJ, and that he simply tell her he isn’t in the mood at the moment. Again, don’t make a big deal out of it — if his partner is mature, has relationship experience, and has any understanding of human nature and sexual dynamics, she will understand that the odd dip in the frequency of sex is to be expected in any long term relationship.

(As an aside: fellas, you shouldn’t always be so easy to get into the sack. I’m serious — if you’re anything like me you might initially think it’s counter-intuitive to turn down sex, but really: be unavailable once in a while, and make her work for it. You might be surprised to find that your partner responds very positively to a little challenge.)

When you begin the process of overcoming retroactive jealousy, your mind and body might respond in unexpected ways. One of these ways might be focusing less on the relationship, and more on yourself. This is a good thing, as the relationship will continue to disintegrate, and your partner’s attraction to you will continue to fade, unless you truly step up, work on yourself, and focus on exorcising your demons and taking the power back.

I emerged from my retroactive jealousy a new man. I felt stronger, both physically and emotionally, than ever before. And I had a renewed desire to truly ravish my partner into oblivion, own her love and affection, and give her a sexual experience unlike any she had experienced before. You’ll get there too, Ryan. Stay strong, brother.

I will write more about sex and retroactive jealousy in a future post. Stay tuned, and please subscribe to updates from this blog using the form in the right column of this page. Also: if you’re interested in having a question answered, offering comments, or your story concerning retroactive jealousy, please send me an email at frank.j.morrison@gmail.com. I’d be happy to hear from you.

(P.S. I’m really not kidding about your libido skyrocketing when you are able to overcome retroactive jealousy. Might I introduce you to my current choice of ringtone below…)

I’ve been truly overwhelmed at the response this website, and my guidebook, has received thus far. To date, this site has had visitors from over forty different countries, and people from all over the world have purchased my book. I am truly grateful for your support.

I write to you today asking for your help. I’ve created a very brief survey aimed at helping me get to know you and your needs better, and it would be extremely helpful if you could spare two minutes to fill it out. I want your input! This site can only grow stronger with your support.

Access the survey by clicking below:

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Once again, thank-you so much for your ongoing support. Wherever you are in your struggle against retroactive jealousy, I hope it’s getting easier. Remember that you can, at any time, choose to let go.